The best laid plans....

I am currently experiencing the most challenging class since beginning school last summer. Tonight was my first test in said class. I studied some this weekend. I planned on studying more today. You know what they say about the best laid plans of mice and princesses. You don't know what they say? Let me enlighten you. They say, the best laid plans of mice and princesses are often go awry... due to shopping and sparkly, shiny things.
Yes, my intentions were pure. So were my actions. Pure Procrastination. I ended up stopping at Walmart on my way home from work for a few things I 'needed'. And then, upon entering my abode, I had to have a bite to eat, since I'd had nothing but coffee since rising at 5:30 am. Still I planned on pulling out the books and cramming just a bit before leaving for school. However the lure of the Fed Ex box was too much to bear. I knew there were tons and tons of beautiful gemstones (of the bead variety) just waiting for me to oogle. And oogle I did.
I managed to study some at school. I also managed an 88 on a test that everyone had a tough time on. I admit that a good portion of the test answers were educated guesses. Not through my lack of study, but because the material on the test wasn't exactly what we had covered in class. But that's a whole 'nother post....

Tackling the To Do

At the beginning of every weekend I set goals for myself. Some are as small as getting the necessary chores done like laundry and grocery shopping. But always there is a list. Lots of weekends I get to Sunday night only to realize that most everything on my list is still in need of doing. Not tonight. My list on Friday afternoon was:
1. Groceries
2. Laundry
3. Meet my cousin for coffee
4. Have G. over for dinner and a movie. (The Devil Wears Prada, great chick flick!)
5. File my FAFSA
6. Find something organizational for my new shipment of gemstone beads (expected Tuesday)
7. Print business cards
8. Work on Website
9. Do homework (for both classes)
It feels good to look at that list and know I accomplished them all this weekend, plus all of the usual non-listed stuff like cleaning, dishes, etc., etc. Of course part of the reason that I got some of it done is because I'm feeling like crap today. It feels like I'm coming down with something for sure. Headache, body aches, tired and lethargic. I'm sure in a day or so I'll probably have my annual killer cold. Still, regardless of why I got it done, I'm enjoying the fact that I actually got the things done I wanted to this weekend.

**Oh, and regarding my last post... I actually felt more respected after having a chat with my boss about the 'new' developments. We'll see what happens next.

Perspectives in Self Worth

Discussing my most current job situation with several different friends I've come to a conclusion. Part of my problem is that I'm a woman. Not necessarily that my employers are treating me differently because I am one, but that as a woman I view my job and my role at work differently.
Many of my male friends say, "I can't believe how you've allowed them to treat you. Don't let them do that." While my female friends echo my own feelings, "How can they treat you like that after all you've done for them?" The answer to that question is exactly what my male friends would say. Because I've let them. I've stayed for months after giving notice. I've voluntarily cut my hours, knowing business was slow, going so far as to leave several hours early on occasions when I felt I was wasting their money by being there. I've allowed them to yank me back and forth, telling me I had two weeks, then staying on when their prospective new employee didn't work out. But I can't really blame them, because not once did I say to them," You know, this isn't fair to me and we need to talk." No, I just shut my mouth and did my job the way they expected me to. Giving them 100% but feeling like I was getting the shaft.
And why didn't I say anything? Because deep down I doubted my own worth. Not money wise, that has never been the issue. Respect. I didn't demand the respect that I deserve.
Why? Part of it is because I've become friends with my employers. I care about them and their families. I know that business is slow and that times are rough. And for some reason I guess that made me feel like I was being unreasonable asking for anything.
Are all women wired that way? Do all women look at the complete picture, instead of just their little section? Is it the maternal caregiver mentality that we are hard-wired with?
I know some women will be appalled that I even suggest that women are somehow weaker in this aspect. But I honestly believe that women and men are different in more than just body parts. Each have their strengths and weaknesses. It doesn't mean that we can't overcome those weaknesses or make them work for us somehow. But it helps to recognize them first.

Taking the Good with the Bad

The Good: My appointment with the surgeon went well yesterday, it appears that although we will keep an eye on things, everything is ok.
The Bad: After March 1st I will no longer be covered under our company health insurance.
The Good: I still have a job.
The Bad: If it seems too good to be true, it is...especially when it comes to my job. Without going into too many details (because that can get one into trouble), what I was told about my 'new position' with the company has now been changed. And whereas before I felt I could make it work for me, now I'm in trouble. Screwed actually. Again.
The Good: I'm not sick.
The Bad: Everyone in the house besides me has dealt with some sort of nasty intestinal flu bug.
The Good: I'm determined to find a way to survive this whole job mess...creatively. Wish me luck.

Wednesday Assortment

Reading one of Glam Girl's posts concerning our 'you can find me at the club' days brought a smile to my face. It also made me wonder, where are they now? Scottie, the too hot and muscular bartender who loved to give us a hard time. Well, he loved giving G a hard time, he always called me the good one. And Dana, his bartending partner in crime, a man with beer cap accuracy and a damned good drink. Jess, the wandering waitress who served up drinks while teasing the boys before getting her own bad self on the dance floor to burn it up before closing time. Pleather and Plad, the other dynamic duo who came to dance and have fun. Victoria, Sean, Barry, John, Chuckles....I could go on with a multitude of names. Names of people who were our friends and compatriots at the club. So much has happened in the lives of G and I, I can't help but wonder what has happened in theirs. They offered two newly single women fun and friendship at a time when they really, really needed it. To the former crew at 'the Plum', Thank you, I hope you're all having a great life.
On another note, the ever trashy Ms. Spears is once again in the headlines. This time for ::gasp:: shaving her head. What's the big deal? Sinead O'Conner did it. Demi Moore did it. It's just freaking hair people. It'll grow back. But Ms. Brit will come up with another attention getting tactic by then.
Speaking of 'in the news', my (our) beloved Tom Brady was back in the media lights with the latest declaration by his former girlfriend Bridget Moynahan. It appears she's with child. Tommy's child. The media immediately asks, "Will it ruin Tom's image?" Why should it? Tom and Bridget were in a long term relationship. Three years. We may think Tommy is a good guy, but hello, I'm sure we all figured they were having sex. What causes me to ponder is this. Generally you know when a relationship is failing. There is some clue that the fire is dying and the end is near. So I find it a bit...questionable...that after a three year relationship Ms. Moynahan gets pregnant just about the time they split? Pretty convenient timing on the failure of that birth control huh?

Ghosts

Do you believe in ghosts? I do. Oh, not necessarily the ectoplasm, things that go bump in the night kind. I believe in the ones that come back from our past to disrupt our present. Residuals from past hurts, past mistakes, past wrongs that somehow weave their way into the here and now.
I stayed up way too late last night talking with my daughter. Her ghosts, the ones she tries so hard to ignore, are actively haunting her again. It's not fair that someone so bright, beautiful and loving has to deal with these shadows. But she does.
She's tried pretending they didn't exist. She's tried banishing them to the innermost dark corners of her mind. But these aren't the type of ghosts you can just put in a corner or ignore. They are the type that eventually reappear to cause as much pain and destruction as possible. And as much as I want to do battle with them for her, they are something she must battle herself. Instead of just quieting their voices, she's going to have to find a way to take away their power over her.
In order to do so, it means making some pretty heavy decisions. Decisions that she feels will effect more than just herself. It leaves her feeling like she's stuck between a rock and a hard place, much like she felt a few years ago. It's hard to watch your child go through difficult times. It's even harder when you know it stems from someone they trusted hurting them and stealing a part of their lives away. I know that I can only do so much. The rest has to come from her. I can't walk the path for her. But I can walk beside her and steady her if she stumbles. Ghostbusters don't work for these phantoms.

Vacation Declaration

Due to the President's Day holiday, I'm smack dab in the middle of a three day weekend. When I came home to a very messy house on Friday, I made a declaration to my three 'roommates'. This weekend was going to be a 'mini-vacation' for me. Generally I spend three quarters of my weekend cleaning the house. Not this weekend. Oh, I still expected the cleaning to be done, but aside from my designated dish night, I was determined that I wasn't going to be the one doing it.Surprisingly my kids seemed to understand my need for a weekend off. I left yesterday to do some shopping and returned to an almost clean place. I'm hoping that when I return from my visit today with the handsomest little guy in the world and his mom that the remainder of the mess will be gone. Regardless, I'm on domestic servitude vacation.

The Blizzard

I suppose I should have blogged this yesterday, since it was yesterday that I was housebound with the wind howling outside my window, snow swirling in a blinding curtain of white. It wasn't like I didn't have the time. After I learned of the cancellation of my appointment with the surgeon and my decision not to try to brave the roads to work, I simply spent the day doing nothing. Doing nothing with my children. Well, not exactly nothing. We watched some shows we had DVR'd and I watched the kids play Zelda. I did some online window shopping. But as far as doing anything truly productive. Nope. Didn't happen. Something about the wind whipped snow made me want to curl up and do nothing. And amazingly I was still tired enough to fall asleep by 10 o'clock.
Around 1 am I was awakened to the distinctive sound of a snowplow. At first I jumped out of bed thinking it was 'our' plow guy. Then, noticing the time I realized there was no way it was 'our' guy. Climbing back into bed I desperately tried to go back to sleep. Do you know how impossible it is when the scraping sound of a plow, followed by that irritating 'back-up beep' is going on just outside your window? Let's just say it was close to 3 before I fell back to sleep. Only to be awakened at 6 by the sound of 'our' plow guy. Pulling on jeans to trudge downstairs to wade through thigh high snow, in order to clean off my car and move it, is not my idea of the ideal wake up call. Still, it was better than one am.
The drive to work was equally as frustrating, with cars off the road and wind driven snow flowing deceptively across ice covered roads. All and all, everything reminded me of just why I hate Maine winters, and just why I love North Carolina. Enough with the blizzards.

My Valentines Day Gift

I received my Valentine's present last night. I received an amazine e-mail from my daughter. Instead of trying to explain it, I'm just going to post it ...I'm a lucky valentine.

"Troy sent me an e-mail asking who my role model is and it should be no surprise to you that you are my role model. However, what I wrote about you surprised me a little bit. I mean, I know how I feel about you, but I've hardly ever sat down to put it into words. So after I got done replying to Troy I re-read what I had written and I felt so moved by my own words that I thought you might like to see what I have to say about you. I don't tell you often enough how much I appreciate you so here you go...
"My mom is my #1 role model. She has done a tremendous job raising my brother and I and she is such a strong woman. She does so much- taking care of us, working, going to school, paying the bills- and she never complains. And she has been through a lot. When she divorced my dad it was a really tough time for her, but she always took care of us first. My mom is my friend and above all she has always been there to help me when I need it, or to just listen and tell me she loves me. When something goes wrong in my life she is the first person I call and when something great happens she's the first one I call. I would not be who I am without her. I love her so much and owe everything that I have to her. I want to model my life after hers and I hope that I can be even half the woman she is. I also hope to have the kind of relationship with my children that she has with my brother and I.

"I LOVE YOU MOM!!! "

Va-Va-Va- Vista and other Assorted things

My new laptop came preloaded with Windows Vista. I like it. But unfortunately none of the third party software I normally use is Vista ready. Like Yahoo Messenger and Launchcast. I've received the memo that states they will be ready soon, but I'm missing them now.
It's not just Vista I love. I'm learning that Microsoft OneNote is indispensable for a student. I sat in class and took the best lecture notes ever. All neat and organized. Complete with a diagram of the heart and Cardiovascular system. No more struggling to figure out what I wrote in my little notebook. I can see lots and lots of uses for OneNote.
The training of my replacement appears to be going ok. How can one be sure that the person they are teaching is really 'getting' it. Unfortunately I haven't had a lot of projects that are ready to go now, so I feel like I'm going to be taking the training wheels off the new guy before they are ready. I'm anxious to begin my new position, but apprehensive about leaving the reins of my old job in someone else's hands.
It's Tuesday and it feels like it should be Thursday. I have my doctors appointment tomorrow and we're supposed to get a big snowstorm. Tomorrow could be an adventure.

Never Enough Time

It always seems like the weekend goes by too fast. I always have a list of things needing to be done, and I never get to the end of the list. I had hoped to get in touch with my friends to see how the handsomest little guy in the world is doing. He was a sick little boy last week, so I was hoping that he had recovered and that mom and dad had avoided coming down with it as well.
It's not that I didn't get a lot of things done. There was no 'slug' time this weekend. In fact, there has been no 'slug' time for weeks. It's just that I have more things on my list to do, than I have hours in a weekend. Maybe that's why I only ended up with 4 1/2 hours of sleep last night. And why I'm so absolutely exhausted tonight.

The Princess Goes Mobile

I am proudly blogging this post from my brand new HP Pavilion laptop. It's probably got more hoots and whistles than I really need right now, but I feel like I've purchased wisely. With the amount of memory it has, I shouldn't have to replace it for some time.
I never understood how freeing having a laptop is. Not being tied down to one room, or one place is amazing. Knowing I can work on a homework paper and not have to worry about compatibility issues with the computers at school is wonderful. I can just take my own computer and finish up on my super duper Office 2007. Which rocks, by the way.
I'm just starting to explore what I can do. I've found the ABC website where I can download and watch entire episodes of LOST, Ugly Betty, Grey's Anatomy and Desperate Housewives if I want. Or I could watch my Farscape...anywhere. On a pretty big screen.
I've been told this particular laptop is considered a 'gaming' machine. Hmmm, maybe I need to try to play a game on it?

Over the Hump

It appears I've made it past the halfway point in the week. My term at school has ended and on Monday I will begin new classes. I've managed to make it through 3 terms carrying a 4.0 gpa, and am now CPR and first aid certified. Where 7 months ago it seemed like a graduation date in February of 2008 was an unbelievably distant date, it doesn't seem so far away now. I'm halfway through my actual classes. Only three more class terms and then an externship. And I've managed to do it while working full time and being a parent. Sure, it's exhausting. Some days, like today, I really just want to stay in bed. But it's worth it. I remind myself that going back to school is something I've done for me. And that in itself is a huge step in the right direction.
I've window shopping for laptop computers, reading the reviews, comparing the costs and features. My tax refund is mostly going to pay bills, but I really need a laptop. For school. For work. Of course, my timing is working out pretty well with the release of Windows Vista. My poor old desktop wouldn't be able to run the nifty new operating system. But the new laptops come with it. There is so much to consider. Price...always price. Durability. Processor. Memory. Everytime I think I've found the perfect fit for me, I read something else or find what looks to be a better deal. The IBM Thinkpad is considered the best, but they come with a hefty price tag. HP, Toshiba, Compaq and Sony all have more affordable laptops. But how to choose? Sure, a girl wants to save money but she also wants a good value. Something that will last. So if you have any of your own personal reviews on certain brands, I'd love to hear from you.
It's Thursday...I can almost see Friday from here!

Halftime Heretics

For crying out loud people! Those of you who are so damned sensitive about 'imagery' need to get a freakin' life. What am I talking about? This article about Prince's halftime show at the Super Bowl. Some people have nothing better to do than to complain about the fact that the shadow image of Prince with his guitar during said performance resembled a phallic symbol. Of course it did, this is Prince we're talking about. The man oozes sexy. Always has, and at 48 it seems he always will. Those of us who are adults were not surprised. In my living room it evoked several knowing grins in fact. I found nothing distasteful. Any child still up by half time (and I won't go into that here) would never pick up on the hint at the sexual. Unless of course their parents were sitting there saying "oh my god, did that just look like a penis to you?" Then they might have.
I think it's absolutely ridiculous that there appears to be a section of our population that can find something objectionable in just about anything. If you are of parenting age, you know who Prince is. You know the controversy that has surrounded him in the past and if you kept watching the show at half time it's your fault if you were offended by a simple shadowed image of a man and his sexy guitar. Stop all the damn complaining and just turn the TV off for heaven's sake. Some of us are comfortable with sexuality. Some of us thought Prince did the best half time show in years. Some of us actually found the whole phallic shadow thing rather tongue in cheek...and tasteful. This is getting ridiculous. What next? No displaying irises because they resemble a vagina? (oh yes they do, have you seen Georgia O'Keefe's paintings?) Truly you can find sexual imagery in many places within nature. Perhaps that should tell these people who seem so 'offended' something. Sex is part of nature, it's natural. Stop being so prudish would you?

Winter Hermitude

It's all of 2 degrees outside. When the weather gets cold like this, it takes every last bit of willpower to force myself to leave the house. All I want to do is curl up in a big old blanket, sip coffee and read a good book. The air literally hurts when you walk outside, both your exposed skin and your lungs. I realize it gets colder than this in other places. But for me this is torture. I'll take 102º degrees over 2º any day. I do the things I have to do, like work, school and necessary errands. But after that you'll have a hard time getting me to leave the nice warm house. It ends up being a cross between being a hermit and soaking in solitude. I sure hope that groundhog was right, because I'm already tired of this winter hermitude.

Exhaustion

It's been a long, tiring weekend. I had a list of things I needed to get accomplished and I'm proud to say that I achieved almost all of them. But wow! am I tired. My brain is having a hard time even stringing together these few words to make sentences.
Maybe tomorrow my jumbled thoughts can be pulled together to create a real blog post.

What does a man want?

The whole Tyra Banks being called fat thing has caused some thinking on my part. I mean, it's absolutely ridiculous to call Tyra fat. I don't care what her weight may be at the moment, she looks fabulous. So who are these idiots questioning her post-modeling weight gain and her sexy curvy figure? I haven't spent a whole lot of time researching that question. After all I'm pretty busy being a career woman, student and mother, with a bit of artisan and single sexy woman being thrown in there for good measure. But I did wonder about that question for a moment.
And truthfully, I didn't picture it being a man. Don't get me wrong, it may have been, but for some odd reason I could picture it being another woman.
Now why in the world would another woman purposely insult another woman. It's called being catty, and women are famous for it. And I believe men are at the root of the cause.
Women feel like finding a man is a competition. And all other women are her competitors. Women like Tyra, whose faces and bodies grace the television/movie screen and magazine covers make men melt. And women who resemble these media icons in everyday life seem to get those second, and even third looks from men on the streets. (or even sitting at the table in a restaurant with us). Lots of women feel that they need to achieve that same look in order to even stay in the running for a man's attention.
Another word for women is bitchy. This word comes into play when a 'competitor' appears to fall or stumble. Some women will then kick a girl when it appears she's down. It's mean and it's stupid, but unfortunately there are plenty of these type of women out there. And again, this is my opinion, but I think it's because they see these women as competition that they can't hope to beat. So they'll say nasty things about them behind their backs. Or start rumors. Or tell lies. Mean girl stuff. And why? Because they believe that this particular type of beauty is what all men want.
I personally believe several things. One, as women we need to view each other as allies, not competition. Two, we need to act like sisters and build each other up, not pull each other down. Three, when someone like Tyra Banks is doing so much for the self esteem of women, support her for crying out loud, it's important. And fourth...we have no idea what men want.

Karma Chameleon

Did you see fate smiling in my direction? She does that sometimes. Especially when I'm at my lowest points. Oh, she doesn't belly laugh, in the form of lottery winnings. It's more like a knowing grin. But it tends to be just that little something I need, when I need it.
The whole employment situation, the up and down, ins and outs that have driven me to distraction wondering if I were going to be unemployed or just stuck in a miserable position forever, appears to be coming to an end. And it's worked out in a pretty amazing way. Thanks to my bosses. Or maybe staying true to who I was in a difficult situation ended up being the right thing to do after all.
Sure I'd love Ms. Fate to give me one of those deep belly laughs in the form of winning the lottery, or the Dream Home, or some such thing. Or a chuckle that brought me fame and fortune as a jewelry maker or in some other creative endeavor. But that sly smile? Well, it works for me. I'm really hoping she has another one for me on the 14th when I have my next appointment with the surgeon.
Perhaps I need to learn to appreciate the small twists of fate that change my path and destiny. It's funny how I tend to shrug and say, "Wow, I got lucky." And then look around the corner for the big stuff. So today I'm sitting back and really thinking about this latest development. I'm acknowledging the fact that maybe, just maybe, Ms. Fate knows what's better for me than I do. And I'm going with it.